Buzzing

Things around me buzzin

It's getting fuzzy

But I can't see right 

Or feel right

Or be right 

So when I was gone I would be soarin

 

You'll tell me now

I'm just like the other

But weren't you thirsty 

At the beginning 

Have you ever craved

The affection of another?

Or were you confused and 

Now have forgotten

Weren't you just like me once

 

I'm filled with passion and distrust 

You don't remember but

You're still here pressing buttons

Leave

Go

Don't fight

If you don't wanna stay

Then why won't you just get out?

 

 

Monologue

Monologue

I have modeled my personality after so many different people. I am a chameleon to the person I am with. I have just become conscious of this behavior because forever it was so subtle. I become enthralled in a person and I try to absorb what I can from them in hopes of improving my own self.

I battle this urge on a daily basis. It is not an easy behavior to suppress. I have ingratiated myself to it. Being alone or with the same people consistently has negated the effects on me. 

The black fog descended upon me quickly. It did not tell me it was coming. Somewhere along the way came this day of dark gloom and negative charge throughout my air. It suffocated me and I realized I did not know who I was or why I was here.

This was when I first became conscious of my own disassociation. I would often look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I had done this since I was a teenager, so it was not new. Until I started asking others I had always thought it was a normal thought pattern.

I lost myself to the black fog in the strange humid blurry air of a Saturday morning in San Francisco. I lost it on the phone along with a dearly beloved friend. I lost it with the tequila I drank that evening. I was completely gone after a month.

My daily regime consisted of— No, it still does consist of taking pills to focus. Taking pills to regulate my mood. Taking pills for my brain’s serotonin. Taking pills to calm down. Taking pills to sleep. Trying not to take pills to sleep forever.

I wanted to become someone else entirely. Not realizing that this propensity for change was not feasible. You cannot become someone else, or something else. You cannot change the things that have happened to you.The events, people, actions, and words they have shaped you. But you can change how you will instigate a reaction with these things towards the future.

This is my current state of being. I must discover how I have felt and acted upon those feelings when reality has stricken me hard in the gut. I must appear vulnerable to the outside world. I must let people into my life and let others go free. I can no longer be guarded if I want to be better.

I feel so much grief and I have no idea where it came from or even when it came upon me. I am overcome with the sadness that seems to radiate with our air. Making it impossible for me to enjoy the outside world. Things seem to be ten times louder and brighter than they were before. I mourn the loss of my youth, which has not left yet, but it is not the same as it once was. The colors were muted, I was warm and fun. My aura feels blinding neon and I feel ice cold.

I like so many other young women of my age and class, have not carried my share of the burden of the earth. The weight of the world has suddenly descended upon me. I am realizing for the first time, how much the pain of others has wiggled a hole into my heart. The trouble there is that I feel the hole and I love the hole. Instead of filling it with love and positive energy, I have stuffed it filled with hate, sorrow, and anger. When I am not sad, I am angry. 

I understand I am not alone, but I have made myself alone. I will not pull myself from it, somehow I crave my depression. This is what makes it so sick. What makes it an illness, it has become an addiction. I am in an abusive relationship with myself. I cannot see the through the darkness. I cling to the black fog at the same time it gleefully moves around me.

Tender

Tender

Tender

When did I become soft?

When the pink dots

Appeared on my hands

 

Perhaps..

Or maybe it's when I noticed

Your eyes framed so completely

With your eyelashes in the corners

 

Tender

When did I become warm?

When I knew you'd be in my bed

Holding me close and kissing my neck

 

Perhaps..

Or maybe it was the day

When you told me I was perfect

Knowing you accept and admire my flaws

 

Tender

When did I notice the earth?

I feel it's vibrations and my feet are

Sturdy and digging deep in the dirt

 

Perhaps..

Or maybe it was the urgency

To find something to create

To grow and to learn

 

Tender

When did I discover the plants?

I saw how they reach towards the sky

Worshipping their beloved sun

 

Perhaps

Or maybe I fell in love with the honey bee

Working hard to create her home

Unknowingly, giving me my nourishment

Sustaining my life

 

Tender

I am yours

 

Perhaps

I am the earth's

Anchor

Anchor

My anchor, my rock

My tether to reality

"Tell me how you really feel."

I asked for it

My brain works in overdrive

Focused in while you're focused out

Things are crisp and clear

But the air outside is fuzzy on the edges

I can begin again, that's all I can do

My pride is wicked and strong

My authentic self feels tender and small

And Yet

And Yet

Tit for tat, blow for blow

And the musings

Well, they go on

 

I want to fill your life

Suffocate you in the anguish

I want to devour you

Soul, body, mind

 

I want you to always be mine

With unfortunate glances

From your strong and sturdy eyes

I digress from my mission

 

I am a weak and wounded dear

The trouble therein lies that you know

You are too powerful

Yet, we are haunted by the past

Yet, we are hunted by fate

 

Adaptable to exposure

You have survived

Flourishing with each challenge

A reckless need to thrive

 

Yet, you are haunted

Yet, you are hunted

Leggy Little Flowers

Leggy Little Flowers

For Penny and Caitlin

Leggy little flowers

Your hair is shiny and feather soft

It gives you a fuzzy halo in the sun

 

Spin like pinwheels

Because you feel so alive 

The days feel long

And your limbs feel strong

 

Your wingspan is bookended by our hands

You know you can fly

From the vibration in the earth

You’re lifted with a rush

 

The wind flows through

The smile of your teeth

Your throat tickles with noise

Suddenly, your feet are floored

 

You babble your discontent

"Again! Again!"

Oh, leggy little flower, I know

It's hard to realize that

You must grow from earth